I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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