Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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