we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
