What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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