apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Buhtt sex?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
