He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
