i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
