She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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