Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
