If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
