Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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