It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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