The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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