After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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