i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
