Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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