okay pat passed out under dana's car
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
