proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
