I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
