it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
