can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
