one might say we're banned from that church
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
