it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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