Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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