i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
its liver damage thursday
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