Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
