I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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