you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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