I just saw a hot homeless man
smell my finger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
