I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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