I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
