I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
