I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
