i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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