You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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