I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
