final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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