that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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