i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
