u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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