Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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