Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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