I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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