He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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