Apparently you make a good broom.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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