He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
