i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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