I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
