Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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