nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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